Now I am going to start by telling you about what happened yesterday. I feel it is important because it leads me to why I was watching Sex in the City 2 and drinking peppermint hot cocoa while eating Lays chips on the couch.
I had this boyfriend senior year of high school, his name is Andrew. He was my first official boy friend (I apologize daddy). I had all the firsts with him, except kissing but not to the extent of sex. We dated for about ten months and broke up in August right before I was about to start my freshmen year in college. The reason I broke up with him was because I felt like I was leading him on and I didn't like him as much as I once had. I felt done with the situation and wanted out. That summer had been very long working three jobs as well as being on a competiton cheer team. I was worn out and just wanted something new, so I broke up with Andrew. I'm pretty sure it hurt him a lot when I ended things, but I actually didn't feel any regret or sadness. I moved on like almost nothing happened and found a new guy to fawn over. He on the other hand started dating a girl nearly two weeks after we broke up, this hurting me a little more then the actual breakup. In my head I was thinking, "How could he have gotten over me so quickly? She must be a rebound." Her name was Ashley, Ashley Couch, yes like the piece of furniture. This gave me a laugh as did the fact that I was nothing like her, compeletly different in fact. She is petite and had more of a funky style unlike the preppy one that I rock. I got pretty jealous and worked my way back into Andrew's life. We would text and he would always come to me when he had a problem with her or to just hang out. We became really great friends and I started to have feelings for him again, realizing what I was missing out on. Andrew broke up with Ms. Couch a week or so ago. I was thrilled they had finally broken up, after weeks of him complaing about their relationship not working anymore. We hung out this past Wednesday and it just seemed different, we cuddled and were a lot closer. I texted him that night and we talked it out saying these new feels that were arising. I didn't admit to him that I wanted to date him again because he said he knew a relationship between us didn't work out. We decided we were going to be friends with benefits, not listening to my better judgement. So yesterday we hung out and sat in my car for hours listening to music and talking until we kissed. I'm not sure who kissed who first, it was all such a blur. By the time I knew it we were in the back seat doing more than kissing. I was happy we were finally having this connection that I had longed for the in the last couple of weeks. I let my walls come down and welcomed him in, which you will later learn is a big step for me. After we did our thing in the back seat of my mini SUV we went to his house and cuddled on his red, oddly shaped couch watching television. Around 10:00 his best friend Danny came over so we stopped cuddling and were talking. Then all of a sudden Andrew says he got a text from Ashley reading "Hey can we talk?" That's when I knew she wanted to get back together with him. I asked him and he didn't reply which further proved I was right. An HOUR after I had let him back into my life he tore my heart out by getting back togethe with that girl. I left before I even found out, giving him a last awkward hug.
I texted him that night confessing my feelings but it was too late, Andrew had already gone back to Ashley. I told him that I will not be here for him to run back to and he apologized text after text. But I knew, I knew it was all over, our friendship, everything. I didn't respond back to one last text of his and knew that I would never talk to him again. At least that's what I'm telling myself as we speak right now.
Last night was the first night I had ever cried over a boy. I was more mad at myself for letting him back in on that deep of a level and then he did that. It felt like he had ripped my heart out and stomped on it on the floor. I'm mad at myself for not listening to my better judgement and for not seeing the guy Andrew really is. I always thought Andrew was differnet from other guys, but he's just like the rest of them. As I write this, I really hope he reads this but I know he never will, I know no one ever will I just want to get my feelings out and would rather no one ever see this.
So this lead to me to where I am right now, 12:30 AM on a Saturday night making a blog. This would be the story of my life.
-E.Wink
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
The Real Me
I wish I could say that I had some sort of revelation today that made me want to blog, but I can't. The reason I'm starting this is because today I watched Sex in the City 2 and saw Carry Brashaw illustrate her life like she was living in a book. So because I am a follower, yes I do admit, I decided that I wanted to blog and tell the stroy behind the real me.
Let me give you a short overview of my life, like they always say "short but sweet". My mom is a school teacher and my dad is an undercover police officer. I know what your thinking comes right out of the movies right? I am an only child after four miscarrages, with this being said I am swooned over. I do have only child sydrome, not going to lie. I've pretty much grown up getting most everything I want, within reason, and consider myself spoiled. As I sit her with no makeup on laying in bed trying to think about my childhood, only a single memory remains with me. As a child I have heard that I was very defiant, not drinking my milk with dinner and trying to ride my 100 pound golden retriever around the house. We had a lamp on a side table in the family room painted with bunnies on it. It was my favorite lamp because it appealed to my taste at such a young age. I would always touch this light and was told not to over and over again. Until one day my dad firmly told me to not touch that light again. I looked at him and tapped my fingers against the cold, cermaic lamp. He grabbed my by the wrist and threw me in my room. This is how I figured out now to mess with my father, this is the memory I have of my childhood.
Although my father is an amazing man, always helping others, and making everyone laugh with his dry humor he has a side that no one should ever mess with. When I hear my first and middle name used in on sentence I know I'm bound for trouble. Even though, parden my language, he can be a hard-ass, I am still a daddy's girl. I will always favor him over my Mom.
My Mom and I on the other hand do not have a good relationship. I love her because I have to love her, yes it sounds harsh but its the cold truth. If she ever read this I know I would be breaking her heart as she read these sentences. She buys me things and I know she tries to make our relationship work, but I know because of her metapause and my time of the month, things are never going to look up.
And then there's my dog, Sierra. She is my life. Yes that sounds extremely weird, but if something were to happen to her I would probably die from a broken heart. We got her as a puppy after my other dog who I grew up with passed away at the age of 15. Sierra is now 5 and although she can be annoying at times when she takes my spot on the couch or I'm forced to walk her, I have no idea what I would do without my furry sister.
More recently I just graduated from high school this past June 2010 as a seventeen year old. Yes, I'm a baby I've been told, but my rebutle is that I can guarantee you I'm probably taller than you, so you would never know. School never came easy to me and I don't really have such great study habits which catches up to me in the long run. Throughout the beginning of high school I was the ugly duckling I feel. I was over weight and had a bad hair dye job and didn't know how to wear flattering clothes being that I came from a private school where all I wore was a uniform. Because of this I was never the girl who got the guy. I was very shy but I made friends easly and once I open up people see the quirky side. As I said above, I'm a follower, I want to look, dress, and talk like everyone else. I wanted to be popular so badly so I made up lies. I told everyone that when I was a sophmore I dated a popular senior. Of course my true friends knew the truth and called me out on it, but I still continue that lie today. Sophomore year I joined the cheerleading team, not because I thought it would make me more popular but because I loved to dance. I loved the freedom to show off my talent even though none of my friends really understood it. The cheerleaders at my school were not the super popular girls who slept with the football team and drank every weekend, granted there were some girls on the team like that. I loved being on the cheer team more than words could describe, it changed me into who I am today. My parents always said if I put half as much time into homework as I do into cheer, I would be getting straight A's. Too bad school doesn't appeal to me like cheerleading does. Throughout the four years I was really a friend jumper. Going around from group to group not really having any true friends. I only had one best friend. Her name is Hollie and we have been friends since the age of four. Even though she is my best friend, we have very differing opinions on subjects so I feel like I can't always talk to her about everything. In high school I had my embarrassments and failures like every other person does. I kept my friends close but my enemies closer to drive me to be a better person. This shaped me into who I am today.
I say it shaped me into who I am today, but today is no more than five months past high school graduation. Although I think I am a different person, my friends may not think so. I go to a community college, which I thought I was going to hate, but the only part I hate is having to live at home with my strict parents. I try and blame the fact that I am stuck at a community college on my parents but in reality it is all my fault because I did not get the grades necessary to get into college. Here at my CC I met three of my closer friends now, Taylor, Danielle (otherwise known as Dani) and Macarena (Maca for short). These girls became my friends pretty quickly and I am glad they are in my life. Because I was a friend jumper in high school I don't really know what it's like to have good, true friends. Because of this I do not really know how to give these girls true friendship. I try and fit in with them but sometimes I dont get invited to go do things with the three of them and to tell you the truth I don't really know why and I'm jealous. But basically this leads me to where I am now and I'm going to share with you my stories and aspirations and events of my life. Hope you enjoy :)
-E.Wink
Let me give you a short overview of my life, like they always say "short but sweet". My mom is a school teacher and my dad is an undercover police officer. I know what your thinking comes right out of the movies right? I am an only child after four miscarrages, with this being said I am swooned over. I do have only child sydrome, not going to lie. I've pretty much grown up getting most everything I want, within reason, and consider myself spoiled. As I sit her with no makeup on laying in bed trying to think about my childhood, only a single memory remains with me. As a child I have heard that I was very defiant, not drinking my milk with dinner and trying to ride my 100 pound golden retriever around the house. We had a lamp on a side table in the family room painted with bunnies on it. It was my favorite lamp because it appealed to my taste at such a young age. I would always touch this light and was told not to over and over again. Until one day my dad firmly told me to not touch that light again. I looked at him and tapped my fingers against the cold, cermaic lamp. He grabbed my by the wrist and threw me in my room. This is how I figured out now to mess with my father, this is the memory I have of my childhood.
Although my father is an amazing man, always helping others, and making everyone laugh with his dry humor he has a side that no one should ever mess with. When I hear my first and middle name used in on sentence I know I'm bound for trouble. Even though, parden my language, he can be a hard-ass, I am still a daddy's girl. I will always favor him over my Mom.
My Mom and I on the other hand do not have a good relationship. I love her because I have to love her, yes it sounds harsh but its the cold truth. If she ever read this I know I would be breaking her heart as she read these sentences. She buys me things and I know she tries to make our relationship work, but I know because of her metapause and my time of the month, things are never going to look up.
And then there's my dog, Sierra. She is my life. Yes that sounds extremely weird, but if something were to happen to her I would probably die from a broken heart. We got her as a puppy after my other dog who I grew up with passed away at the age of 15. Sierra is now 5 and although she can be annoying at times when she takes my spot on the couch or I'm forced to walk her, I have no idea what I would do without my furry sister.
More recently I just graduated from high school this past June 2010 as a seventeen year old. Yes, I'm a baby I've been told, but my rebutle is that I can guarantee you I'm probably taller than you, so you would never know. School never came easy to me and I don't really have such great study habits which catches up to me in the long run. Throughout the beginning of high school I was the ugly duckling I feel. I was over weight and had a bad hair dye job and didn't know how to wear flattering clothes being that I came from a private school where all I wore was a uniform. Because of this I was never the girl who got the guy. I was very shy but I made friends easly and once I open up people see the quirky side. As I said above, I'm a follower, I want to look, dress, and talk like everyone else. I wanted to be popular so badly so I made up lies. I told everyone that when I was a sophmore I dated a popular senior. Of course my true friends knew the truth and called me out on it, but I still continue that lie today. Sophomore year I joined the cheerleading team, not because I thought it would make me more popular but because I loved to dance. I loved the freedom to show off my talent even though none of my friends really understood it. The cheerleaders at my school were not the super popular girls who slept with the football team and drank every weekend, granted there were some girls on the team like that. I loved being on the cheer team more than words could describe, it changed me into who I am today. My parents always said if I put half as much time into homework as I do into cheer, I would be getting straight A's. Too bad school doesn't appeal to me like cheerleading does. Throughout the four years I was really a friend jumper. Going around from group to group not really having any true friends. I only had one best friend. Her name is Hollie and we have been friends since the age of four. Even though she is my best friend, we have very differing opinions on subjects so I feel like I can't always talk to her about everything. In high school I had my embarrassments and failures like every other person does. I kept my friends close but my enemies closer to drive me to be a better person. This shaped me into who I am today.
I say it shaped me into who I am today, but today is no more than five months past high school graduation. Although I think I am a different person, my friends may not think so. I go to a community college, which I thought I was going to hate, but the only part I hate is having to live at home with my strict parents. I try and blame the fact that I am stuck at a community college on my parents but in reality it is all my fault because I did not get the grades necessary to get into college. Here at my CC I met three of my closer friends now, Taylor, Danielle (otherwise known as Dani) and Macarena (Maca for short). These girls became my friends pretty quickly and I am glad they are in my life. Because I was a friend jumper in high school I don't really know what it's like to have good, true friends. Because of this I do not really know how to give these girls true friendship. I try and fit in with them but sometimes I dont get invited to go do things with the three of them and to tell you the truth I don't really know why and I'm jealous. But basically this leads me to where I am now and I'm going to share with you my stories and aspirations and events of my life. Hope you enjoy :)
-E.Wink
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