Yesterday

Now I am going to start by telling you about what happened yesterday. I feel it is important because it leads me to why I was watching Sex in the City 2 and drinking peppermint hot cocoa while eating Lays chips on the couch.

I had this boyfriend senior year of high school, his name is Andrew. He was my first official boy friend (I apologize daddy). I had all the firsts with him, except kissing but not to the extent of sex. We dated for about ten months and broke up in August right before I was about to start my freshmen year in college. The reason I broke up with him was because I felt like I was leading him on and I didn't like him as much as I once had. I felt done with the situation and wanted out. That summer had been very long working three jobs as well as being on a competiton cheer team. I was worn out and just wanted something new, so I broke up with Andrew. I'm pretty sure it hurt him a lot when I ended things, but I actually didn't feel any regret or sadness. I moved on like almost nothing happened and found a new guy to fawn over. He on the other hand started dating a girl nearly two weeks after we broke up, this hurting me a little more then the actual breakup. In my head I was thinking, "How could he have gotten over me so quickly? She must be a rebound." Her name was Ashley, Ashley Couch, yes like the piece of furniture. This gave me a laugh as did the fact that I was nothing like her, compeletly different in fact. She is petite and had more of a funky style unlike the preppy one that I rock. I got pretty jealous and worked my way back into Andrew's life. We would text and he would always come to me when he had a problem with her or to just hang out. We became really great friends and I started to have feelings for him again, realizing what I was missing out on. Andrew broke up with Ms. Couch a week or so ago. I was thrilled they had finally broken up, after weeks of him complaing about their relationship not working anymore. We hung out this past Wednesday and it just seemed different, we cuddled and were a lot closer. I texted him that night and we talked it out saying these new feels that were arising. I didn't admit to him that I wanted to date him again because he said he knew a relationship between us didn't work out. We decided we were going to be friends with benefits, not listening to my better judgement. So yesterday we hung out and sat in my car for hours listening to music and talking until we kissed. I'm not sure who kissed who first, it was all such a blur. By the time I knew it we were in the back seat doing more than kissing. I was happy we were finally having this connection that I had longed for the in the last couple of weeks. I let my walls come down and welcomed him in, which you will later learn is a big step for me. After we did our thing in the back seat of my mini SUV we went to his house and cuddled on his red, oddly shaped couch watching television. Around 10:00 his best friend Danny came over so we stopped cuddling and were talking. Then all of a sudden Andrew says he got a text from Ashley reading "Hey can we talk?" That's when I knew she wanted to get back together with him. I asked him and he didn't reply which further proved I was right. An HOUR after I had let him back into my life he tore my heart out by getting back togethe with that girl. I left before I even found out, giving him a last awkward hug.

I texted him that night confessing my feelings but it was too late, Andrew had already gone back to Ashley. I told him that I will not be here for him to run back to and he apologized text after text. But I knew, I knew it was all over, our friendship, everything. I didn't respond back to one last text of his and knew that I would never talk to him again. At least that's what I'm telling myself as we speak right now.

Last night was the first night I had ever cried over a boy. I was more mad at myself for letting him back in on that deep of a level and then he did that. It felt like he had ripped my heart out and stomped on it on the floor. I'm mad at myself for not listening to my better judgement and for not seeing the guy Andrew really is. I always thought Andrew was differnet from other guys, but he's just like the rest of them. As I write this, I really hope he reads this but I know he never will, I know no one ever will I just want to get my feelings out and would rather no one ever see this.

So this lead to me to where I am right now, 12:30 AM on a Saturday night making a blog. This would be the story of my life.

-E.Wink